Can i not drive my cunt home
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She's not a foreskin expert like you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
