I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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