something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
