I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i came on her dog
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
