theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
