i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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