I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
