don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
