i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
