Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
