I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
