i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
