My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
