He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
third nipple confirmed
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
