Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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