Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
