I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
