Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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