Me. At least after what I've been through.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
