if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This is not my ceiling
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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