I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I want to fling myself into the sun
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
