I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My vagina just clenched in fear
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