She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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