peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
