My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
