Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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