someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
