Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
