dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
