I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
