Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
