happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
