dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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