i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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