from now on my penis is your penis
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
