so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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