he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
