I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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