why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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