I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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