aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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