if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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