I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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