My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
