Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize