I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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