i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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