it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
