Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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