Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
