Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
