Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
