worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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