if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My vagina is officially offended.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize