So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
