There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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