Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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