I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
