he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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