You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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