need another drink. this is the easiest way
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
