the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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