His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
