I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
