There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
