Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
