Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
