Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Drunk is not a location!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
