I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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