I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
